The Sparkly Revenge
by koopaloop
Summary: We all know that Robert Pattinson hates Twilight, so what happens when he becomes a hunter and meets up with Charlie and the boys?
1. Vampires Hate Tattoos

**First chapter of my first fic! I guess we'll see how well things go! I'm a slow writer so you might only get a chapter from me once every couple of days. Enjoy!**

**-Kathryn**

XXXXX

"I bet you can't get this one," Charlie said, a smirk lingering at the corner of her mouth. Dean cracked his knuckles.

"Try me padawan," he said, staring Charlie straight in the eye. Charlie scoffed and said,

"That's Princess Leia to you, sculag." Sam started laughing from his spot in the corner.

"Need some ice for that burn?" he chuckled, smirking at Dean. Dean huffed indignantly.

"Shut up," he said. "I don't even know what a sculag is."

"It's a Chiss term referring to someone who is weak-minded," Charlie said. "Much like yourself when it comes to Star Wars insults." Dean scowled.

"Yeah, well you're a... a... a..." Dean found himself at a loss for words. "I don't have a good answer for that," he said.

"Haha! You surrender! Now you must admit that I _am_ the _alpha geek_," Charlie said, beaming from her spot on the bed.

"Fine," Dean mumbled.

"Fine what?" Charlie replied.

"_Fine you are the alpha geek." _Dean answered.

"That's much better," Charlie said, patting Dean on the head.

"You better watch out though _alpha geek_," he said, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "I will have my revenge." Sam and Charlie chuckled.

"Sorry Dean, that might have to wait," Sam said. "I got wind from Garth about a case in the area, and I have to say, it definitely sounds like our sort of thing."

"What's the story?" Dean asked, his expression changing from easy-going to serious in a split second.

"Two hikers were found dead at a campsite," Sam started. "Their bodies were drained of blood and police found two neck punctures in both victims."

"Sounds vampy," Dean said. "Got anything else?

"Not really," Sam replied. "But I still think we ought to check it out."

"Hold on a minute," Charlie said. "You guys hunt vampires too?"

"Yeah," Sam said. "They're not the type you're probably thinking of, but yes, they do exist."

"All this time I've been watching Buffy and I could've actually been out there slaying vampires," she said. Dean chuckled.

"If you'd like," he said. "You can come with us on the investigation." Charlie lit up like a christmas tree.

"Really?" she said.

"Sure," Dean replied. "You've already been up against Dick friggin' Roman after all, and it's not like you have to do any of the actual hunting."

"Sweet," Charlie said. "Let's go kick some vampire ass."

The boys and Charlie climbed into the Impala and Dean stuck the key in the ignition. The engine purred and Charlie smiled. Even though hanging with the Winchesters was dangerous. She couldn't stop herself from coming back to them every time they called for an adventure.

When they arrived at the morgue, the bodies had just been brought in. The coroner directed them to the autopsy room and left them alone to investigate.

Dean examined the neck of the first victim.

"Oh yeah," he said, looking closely at a purple, bite-sized mark. "That's definitely a vampire bite." Charlie peered over Dean's shoulder to get a look at the bite.

"Ouch," she said, grimacing at the discolored flesh.

"The question is," Sam said. "Is it just the one vamp who's killing or is it a whole nest of them working together?" Sam uncovered the second body and examined it.

"Dean, come look at this," he said, lifting up the arm of the corpse. "Isn't this the same tattoo that the first victim had?" The tattoo was a red star with black vines growing out of it. Underneath, the word "Twilight" was inked in black.

"Oh no," Charlie said in horror. Both boys turned towards her.

"You know what this is?" Dean asked. Charlie looked him straight in the eye.

"Boys, prepare yourselves," she said. "This is the invasion of the sparkly vampires."


	2. A Regular Sherlock Holmes

**Hey guys. Lots of stuff going on this week! My regular writing time this weekend was interrupted by study and homework. :/ Just a warning though, this chapter has some mild Destiel in it, but hopefully it's up to scratch! Enjoy!**

**-Kathryn**

**XXXXXXXX**

"The invasion of the _what?!" _Dean exclaimed, staring at Charlie in disbelief. He had seen some pretty weird things in his time, most of them involving a certain archangel by the name of Gabriel, but _sparkly vampires? _No way!

"Dean, remember that case a couple years back with the vampires?" Sam said. Dean laughed.

"Which one?" he asked.

"You know," Sam started. "The one where, uh, Soulless Sam used you as bait." Sam looked away uncomfortably, and Charlie tilted her head in confusion.

"Wait," she said. "Soulless Sam?"

"Long story," Dean said. "Yeah, I remember, Sam."

"Okay, so you remember when we hacked into that girl's laptop right," Sam continued. "You know, the girl with the creepy vampire room? Her password was Pattinson, like the actor in Twilight." Dean suddenly had a vivid flashback.

_Sam and Dean climbed the stairs of the young girl's house. The case they were working was weird, but when Dean opened the door to the girl's room, they knew it was going to get much weirder. Everywhere he looked, there were pale, attractive men covering the red velvet walls. There was even a life-size cut out of one stuck to the door. Sam had wondered if the girl was on drugs, but now, Dean realized, it was so much worse._

_"Vampires?" Sam said, incredulously. Dean scoffed._

_"No, these aren't vampires man," he said. "These are douchebags."_

_"Yeah," Sam agreed. Dean examined the items in the girl's room, picking up a pillow with Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart on it. Dean shook his head, laughing internally at the ridiculousness of it all. He would never understand how teenage girls worked._

Dean made a face as he realized they were dealing with the same sort of thing here and now, in the middle of Hilson, Missouri of all places.

"Great," he said sarcastically. "The last time we dealt with these sparkly bastards, I got turned!"

"You were a vampire?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah," Dean answered. "Not fun." Charlie stared at him, almost teasing him with her eyes.

"So what," Sam said. "We have another vampire using 'Twilight fangirls' as easy prey?"

"That'd be my best guess," Dean said. "We oughta track down the nest and off those bastards before they kill again."

"Hey, wait a minute guys," Charlie said, furrowing her brow in concentration. "How do we know the vamp is drawing them in? I mean, these poor bastards were just out camping. Why would they let a vampire feed on them?"

"Does it really matter?" Dean asked.

"Well," Charlie said. "The demographics for Twilight fans are mostly teenage girls and stay at home moms. If _you_ were looking for easy prey like that, where would you go? The woods wouldn't be my first pick."

"She has a point, Dean," Sam said. "We need a plan.

"We had a plan," Dean mumbled. Sam ignored him

"Those tattoos on the victims' arms, are clearly visible, I'd say, from at least ten feet away," he said. "That's nothing for a vampire. What if this vamp has it out for Twilight fans? I mean, vampires usually take out the people they hate when they first turn. It's simple instinct. The vampire might go for a whole group of fans next."

"Oh my god," Charlie said. "It's convention week downtown."

"Crap," Dean said. "That's probably where he was headed when he passed through those woods! We've got to go, like now."

"You should try calling Cas," Sam said, looking at Dean. "With this many people on the line, we could use his help. Dean nodded and tossed the keys to Sam.

"Go with Charlie and get the car. I'll catch up in a minute.

Sam and Charlie raced out of the morgue into the parking lot and revved up the Impala. Dean, meanwhile, started praying to Cas.

"Hey, Cas buddy. I know you're out there somewhere. We've got a lot of lives on the line and it would be great if you could lend a hand." Dean looked around the room. Castiel was nowhere in sight. _Dammit, Cas. _Dean thought. He sighed and started to walk out of the room, but just as he stepped over the threshold, he heard a flutter of wings behind him. He turned to greet the trench-coated angel.

"Hello, Dean," he said. Dean smiled.

"You came," he said. Cas tilted his head in confusion.

"You called, didn't you?" Dean laughed. He was so happy that tears were starting to form in his eyes.

"It's so damn good to hear your voice," he said.

"It's good to see you too, Dean," said Cas. "Heaven has been... lonely. Most of the time I'd rather be here with you."

"Cas..." Dean said, trailing off as he stared into the angel's baby blue eyes. He grabbed Castiel by the shoulders and pulled him close

It was a tender hug, full of love, sadness, and longing. Everything that Dean had been feeling in the last couple of weeks, the bitterness, the loneliness, the constant worry of what had happened to Cas and what was happening to Sam, it didn't matter anymore. This was a moment that Dean wanted to savor forever.

"You should stay," he whispered. Cas stared into Dean's eyes longingly.

"I wish I could," he said. "Heaven is in a state of chaos." Dean pulled Cas closer until their noses were touching. He could feel the warm breath on his cheek.

"Let someone else deal with it for a while," he murmured. "You've done enough." Dean kissed Cas slowly and tenderly on the lips. They stayed like that for a moment and then walked hand and hand out to the Impala. The world could've been burning for all he cared. Dean had found his angel, and there was nothing that anyone could do to take him away.


	3. Not That Kind of Douchebag Cas

**Okay guys. I have FINALLY found time to write another chapter. I apologize for the wait, but I think this one will be good! **

**-Kathryn**

**XXXXXXXX**

The drive to St. Louis was long. Sam drove the whole time, while Charlie sat shotgun and Dean and Cas squeezed together onto the backseat. Charlie kept looking at the boys. She'd read all about Cas in the Carver Edlund books, but there was definitely more between him and Dean than just subtext. _The way Dean looks at him, _Charlie thought. _There has to be something going on between the two of them. _She decided to do a little investigating.

"So Cas," she started. "You and Dean seem pretty close. How did you guys meet?" Sam chuckled silently from the drivers seat.

"I gripped him tight and raised him from perdition," Cas deadpanned. Dean sat straight up in his seat.

"_Cas," _he whispered. "Shhhh." Cas stared at him, confused, then continued.

"Dean and I share a profound bond," he explained. "I believe it began when we—"

"CAS," Dean said urgently. Castiel ignored him and continued explaining.

"Dean and I... in a manner of speaking... did the deed," he said. Dean hid his face in Castiel's trench coat, as Sam howled in laughter at his brother's embarrassment.

"I knew it!" Charlie exclaimed. "You guys are so cute together."

"Cute?" Cas said in bewilderment. Charlie laughed.

"Yeah, you're like a little puppy dog. It's adorable!"

"Well," Cas started in amusement. "Dean does say I'm the cutest puppy dog in the whole world. I believe it's a term of endearment."

"Only when we're alone..." Dean muttered.

"I, in return, call him _gallum ingentem_, which in Latin loosely translates to—"

"Whoa!" Dean interrupted. "That's enough about our sex life Cas."

"Oh no," Charlie said. "By all means continue, Cas. Is he a good lay?"

"I do not understand," Cas said, tilting his head in confusion. Dean resigned himself to banging his head on the window.

"You know..." Charlie made a motion with her hands resembling sex. Castiel widened his eyes.

"He certainly is... creative," Cas said, hesitantly. Charlie laughed, glancing back at Dean, who was flushed with embarrassment. Sam smiled at him in sympathy and changed the subject.

"So Charlie," he began. "Do you actually know anything about hunting? I mean, aside from hunting Leviathans."

"I've read a few books," she replied. "Ever heard of a guy named Carver Edlund?" The brothers groaned.

"Dammit," Dean said. "I thought Chuck had stopped publishing."

"He did, for a while," Charlie continued. "But a couple years ago he started releasing new books. They're online now too."

"Great," Dean mumbled. "Charlie, I will pay you generously if you can erase all those books off the web."

"Sorry, guys. I wouldn't want to get rid of such amazing research material. Think of it as your contribution to the world of learning" Charlie smirked and pulled our her pink phone to google a route to the convention.

"We're almost there boys. Prepare yourself for the onslaught of teenage Twilight fangirls."

xxxxx

"Dammit Sammy, how hard is it to find a parking spot in a place this big!"

The convention center in St. Louis was packed. Almost every available space was taken, and teenagers were running around like maniacs. They all seemed to be wearing the same shirts, black with the Twilight logo and either Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner on them. There were even some Twihard mothers out there. Sam almost ran over one of them who jumped out in front of the Impala wearing an Edward Cullen mask. Out of all the frightening things that the boys had seen in their long careers as hunters, this one had to be the scariest.

"Charlie, is this... normal?" Sam asked. Charlie snorted.

"Conventions and cosplay, yes. Twilight itself on the other hand..." She let her sentence trail off and the boys nodded. Cas furrowed his brow.

"I don't understand," he said. "Is this some sort of human ritual I was not aware of? Perhaps I should be participating." Dean started choking on the sandwich he had been eating.

"Cas, if you buy an Edward Cullen mask I will rip it off so hard that blood comes out your anus."

"That would be inconvenient," Cas replied. "Especially if we plan to—"

"CAS. OH MY GOSH," Dean exclaimed as he covered the angel's mouth. This time, Castiel smirked, knowing exactly what he was doing to Dean.

"Save it for the bedroom guys," Sam said, rolling his eyes as he pulled into a parking spot about 200 meters from the building. The trio climbed out of the Impala and made their way inside.

If the parking lot was bad, the convention center was even worse. Everywhere he looked, Dean saw massive, brooding cardboard cutouts of Twilight characters, most noticeably one of Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson in their famous Twilight pose. Charlie was relatively unfazed, but as she glanced around the room, she couldn't help the look of disgust that appeared on her face. Sam picked up a book that was sitting on one of the booths.

"And here I thought our lives were messed up..." he grumbled. Cas took the book out of Sam's giant hands and examined it.

"I don't understand," he said. "Why is everyone wearing an apple, Dean? Is this some sort of produce festival?" Dean turned towards Cas and smirked.

"It's part of the Twilight ritual, Cas," he replied. "They use those apples to summon sparkly douchebags."

"I wasn't aware that douchebags sparkled or required sustenance," Cas said. "Do all of these females suffer from poor vaginal hygiene?"

"What?!" Dean exclaimed. "No, Cas it's a figure of speech."

"Oh," Cas replied. "My apologies."

"We need to find out where the vampire is," Sam said. "We have no idea who it will target next."

"Well," Charlie said. "Think about it. Who's the one person that everyone in this room knows. The one they all practically worship."

"Oh crap." Dean said, exchanging a glance with his brother. "There's only one person I know who fits that description." Dean paused and picked up a timetable from the welcome desk.

"The posterboy for sparkly vampires himself, Robert Pattinson."

**I'd like to point out that absolutely love Robert Pattinson and this fic is in no way trying to demonize him or any of the actors. In fact, I'd say it's going to end up doing quite the opposite. This fic was based off the fact that Robert hates Twilight more than anybody, and I'm just trying to poke fun at some of the things I think he probably hates about it. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I will honestly try to update more often. Thanks for sticking with me!**


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